Eb and Flow of life in Our Home

Last night I started to write a blog about the peace that flows in my home.  Not quiet but peace.  It didn't get very far until I had a 6 year old standing in front of me with a book for me to read.   That caused my computer to be sit aside.  Instead of reading to a 6 yo, I had the 6 yo, the 3 yo and the 1 yo all in my lap in the rocking chair while I read.  Yes, it was a full chair!   After that life moved on to getting a sticker out of 3 yo's thumb.  That caused many tears.  Which in turned caused more cuddling and rocking from Granola.  Bottom line is I didn't get the blog post written.  So I thought I would try again this morning.  Maybe it will be calmer to do it.

I was reminded I wanted to capture the moment as I sit here listening to my 17 yo sing Amazing Grace as she works on finishing her school for the year.  In 6 months she has accomplished a years worth of school.  She is working on final test this morning.  Her voice isn't amazing, but her heart shining through her voice is.  I love listening to her hum or sing softly as she works. I am just touched to hear the peace in her soul. 

 I love this picture I took on Thursday, it so captured her sweet child spirit. 

 

Last night was flowing with life and love and noise.  As 12 yo practiced her guitar in the next room, 14 yo was busy making supper with the help of first a 3 year old then before he was finished he had all three grands.  They were sprinkling cheese on his creation for him.   I love watching how my teen boys treat the littles.  They LOVE them.  Both boys become putty in the two girls hands.  It is both touching and funny.   The girls both know who to go to for what ever. 

Today the 17 yo is excited to get a visit from her "big sister".  She was apart of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program for several years.  This is her big sister the whole time.   She is making the drive out and taking her for a fun day.  I am excited for her. 

Seventeen yo just told me me she passed her Bible and now her Math test for the year!  This is on the first try!  So much growth!   So much self confidence!  

Last night my 15 yo wrote a children's book for her nephew for his birthday.  I was amazed at the ease she wrote this wonderful book for him then illustrated it.  I hope he likes it as much as I did.  I pray she is able to use this wonderful God given talent.

This morning after a slow start where dh and enjoyed the wonderful morning on the front porch.  I experimented with making biscuits with oats and flax instead of wheat.  They were good!   Even dh said they were good... for biscuits.  He doesn't like biscuits ever.  

Seventeen year old is chugging right along with her test.  She has ONE left and has passed all of them!  This is a huge improvement.  When she started out in Feb. she couldn't pass anything the first try.  Remember a second try wasn't just redoing the whole section if you fail a test.  She has redone a LOT over the 6 months, but less and less as she gets this figured out that she is smart and she can do.

Life flows around here.  It is never quiet!  Girls are now cleaning the kitchen.  They sing "My Little Pony, then switch to something else then on to another snippet of an unidentified song.  Giggles flow as they do this.   Boys are busy getting the bobcat ready to work today. 



 

Catching up on my world!

On Friday we took both our bug boy, and 17 yo's brother back to our meet in the middle spot.   It was bittersweet.   We enjoyed the week.  It was over all very good.   It was interesting and stressful as I spent the week in observation mode.   What would work best for him?  How will he mesh in our home?  What are his triggers?  What are his fears?   How am I going to teach him best?  What does he like?  What bothers him?   If you think of that repeating a zillion times a day in your head as you observe you can see why my brain was tired.  

My 11 yo didn't have such a great week.  Was it because of 10 yo bug boy?  I don't really think so, maybe a tad, but mostly it was those two test he was to do on Monday.  I didn't notice them ahead so he could have them written.  Soooooooooooooo he had a long week of refusing to work.   Such is life.   I am sure that having Bug Boy around played a part, but not the whole thing.  

Thursday we spent ALL day in town.  We played at the park.  Lots of good fellowship.  Then we had a LONG lunch with DIL and DH.  It was nice.  After that it was off to do my regular Thursday stuff.  We finished up at the Library.  After that Dh took the whole bunch home while I had a night of fun with other moms.   I might have gotten home late.   While I was away bug boy broke down and cried about leaving.  He got lots of reassurance.  With 3 big sisters all comforting he was able to go to sleep.

My plan was to sleep in, 6:30ish Friday morning.   I didn't get to.  I woke up about 5:45 ready to get up.  So I did my Bible time and finished gathering the things my bug boy needed to pack.  While he was here he had made some clay pendents.  I soaked them all in the oils I had been putting on him each night.  I told him when he was missing us or feeling sad to smell them.  I pray it helps him. 

Saturday we were off to the flea market.  It seemed lots of things reminded all of us of him.  We missed him!  I was ask several times if I had heard from his case worker.   I hadn't!   It was a fun day.  We didn't buy a think at the flea market but walked and looked and teased and laughed as a family.   Then ate out again!  

Sunday the older 2 boys went to help bless a young couple that are working on remodeling their kitchen.  Dad was going in later, as he also had to haul in two beeves to be slaughtered.   The big boys, forgot to leave an air tank of air for him to air a trailer tire up so he had to wait on them to haul beeves.  He was OK with that as with all this blessed rain mesquite grub well.  I spent the day just doing some fun things around here.  I made a blanket for a friend, can't wait for her to get it.  I did more toothpaste.  I read some and just hung out.  It was what I needed a down day after being on the go for 3 days before. 

Today I waited until almost noon to email case worker.  I thought I did great!   She is hoping he can come visit again the weekend of the 2nd.   I know two weeks!   My prayer is instead of a visit it will be a move.  I don't know how that will work out since his CW will be out of state, but God can do it.   He is able to do exceedingly above and beyond.  What needs to fall into place is subsidy and home school waver, besides him needing to get some appointments behind him.   So we continue to walk in faith.  We know God's timing is perfect.  I have to battle my wish that the timing was FASTER! 

Today I also managed to make laundry soap. I tried a new recipe.  http://www.onegoodthingbyjillee.com/2012/08/make-a-years-worth-of-laundry-soap.html  

3 bars Fels Naptha, grated ($1.33 x 3)
1 box Borax  ($5.85  -  76 ounces)
1 box Washing Soda ($4.07  -  55 ounces)
2 cups of baking soda ($0.53 cents)
2 containers of Dollar Tree Oxyclean (I bought mine at Family Dollar store…SUN Brand…$4.00 each)
1-2 containers of Purex fabric softener crystals ($6.97  -  28 ounces) 
Use 2 tablespoons per load. Put it right in the barrel if you have an HE washer.

I didn't use the fabric softener crystals, I didn't want the scent.  I will add a few drops of EO if I want it to smell.

I also came up with an idea to help (I hope), keep the kitchen cabinets clean (er)  maybe.   I cleaned an area then took a picture of it clean.  The cabinet top needs to look like that after they clean the kitchen after each meal.  I am hoping that there will be less excuses this way. 

We are busy planning for vacation.  I am excited but at the same time wondering how it will go with 7 kids.   We are doing lots of fun things.  It will happen in Sept. 
 

Quick update

I have started to update our week a couple of times.  Life seems to keep it from happening!   Friday we picked up both my 17 yo's brother who is 20 and our guest who is almost 11.   If you can imagine being in a contained environment for 16 months without getting to go and do very much. Then coming to my house. He really was trying to go in a zillion directions at once.  Did I mention that I also had to grands?  So we had 10 kids here 20 and under from Friday noon until Sunday afternoon.

Saturday night we went to Mason to watch the bat flight.  It is well worth watching.  Everyone loved it.  It put us home about 11:30.   Sunday we went to church.  It was awesome!   Lots of blessings!

Then after we got home after church I was showing our guest bat pictures.  He got really quiet and when I ask him why he said he doesn't want to go back.  Think big striking gray eyes swimming in tears saying that.   I put my computer aside and ask him if he would sit in my lap. He needed comfort but.....  I knew that I was treading on think ice but let him choose if he wanted in my lap.  He came and sat with his back to me.  I turned him where he was sitting sideways and gently tugged.  He melted against me.  Ok at that point there were two of us with with tears in our eyes.  I tucked my face near him and whispered to him asking him if he liked it.  He nodded.  We whispered back and forth and I ask him if he would like to call his case worker tomorrow and see if we could make it permeate.  He nodded.  So I rocked him a bit more and held him and then he got up and off he went.  This morning we called his case worker and he ask her if he could be adopted here. 

Specific prayer request on this journey.  One that it is in place with homeschool waver before school starts. Two that I can find how best to harness his energy and extreme brightness into usable skills.  

Poem Two

Her…

 

I see her eyes dart around…

With every slap, a kick, a shove-

She dare not make a sound.

 

I hear her cry out…

All of the lies have caused her to doubt.

 

The terror in her eyes makes my heart ache.

Her soundless sobs causes her body to shake.

 

Yet, not a tear reaches her mournful eyes…

She silently wanders when she will die.

 

I wish I could hold her…

Her father’s words are nothing but a slur.

 

Her mother is rarely home…

The little girl sets out to roam.

 

She searches for food…

She prays her parents will have a better mood.

 

If only I could tell her it would be okay…

If only I could have saved her that day.

 

Her steps are weak…

There is a cut on her cheek.

 

She longs for a hug or a kiss…

She has never experienced a young child’s bliss.

 

I want to hold her broken little body…

 

I want to rock and cry with her…

No child deserves to be caught in that hateful lure.

 

I would wipe away the blood…

I would tell her it is okay to let her tears flood.

 

How can someone be so unkind?

So heartless… blind?

 

She did nothing wrong…

She sings such a sad little song.

 

Her beautiful eyes are filled with pain…

How could anyone be so insane?

 

Nobody listens to her pleas…

How can nobody see?

 

You look and curl your lip…

Turn away and keep your mouth zipped.

 

You say, “It’s not my kid.”

You ignore the wrong that her parents did.

 

She is treated like trash…

Each day she gets bashed.

 

I wish I could’ve saved her…

But then again I don’t, for then she wouldn’t have been heard.

 

She couldn’t help others who are hurting…

 

In fact, this wouldn’t have been written!

 

Can’t you see?

This little girl is me!

 

~Marie J.~

Another Poem...

I Am

I am a young woman wise beyond her years…

I am a conqueror of terror and fears.

 

I am the forgiver and the forgiven…

I am the girl who has done the forbidden.

 

I am a daughter who has a price to pay when I disobey…

I am a young woman who struggles at times to obey.

 

I am a survivor of abuse…

I am a girl who isn’t afraid to lose.

 

I am a young woman who made a choice…

I am the one who isn’t afraid to raise her voice.

 

I am a girl who has hated and loved…

I am someone who has questioned God above.

 

I am strong…

I am sometimes not afraid to admit I am wrong.

 

I am not as far as I would like to be…

I am better then what I used to be.

 

I am the future wife of a Godly man…

I am waiting as God works out His plan.

 

I am the young woman who is saving her first kiss.

I am the one who wants to wait for her lover’s bliss.

 

I am not ashamed of who I am.

I am not looking for riches or fame.

 

This…

Is who I am.

~Marie J.~

My Walk and a bit of a Ramble on Being a Light

Walking the lighted path! I have to walk the step God has put before me.  I can’t look at the what ifs or the maybes.  I have to do what He has put before me.   I am walking out the path, Psalm 119:105  ^“ Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”  God’s lamp isn’t always bright.  Sometimes it lights just the next step, or maybe two steps.  Beyond that all is unseen. 

As I walk this walk God is also showing me how I have to focus on what is right in front of me.  If I am on my walk I have to focus on the next few steps, where I am placing my feet.  If I look to far ahead, then I miss where my foot needs to be placed.  I also can look at how much further I have to go and get discouraged.   If I focus on this moment then my walk goes quickly.  When I am busy thinking about what I need to do when I get back, how much further I have to walk the walk drags out. 

What am I walking?   We are getting to keep a young man for a week.  He needs a family and his caseworker feels we are that family.  He is being told it is a visit.  Not a potential adoption.  He needs to decide he wants us for a family.  To allow him even a tiny bit of say in his life where he has hand very little control.  As we walk this out, my 17 yo’s brother calls and has arranged a visit for…. You guessed it next week.  I don’t want to say no to him.  I want them to have contact and get to see each other.  It is the only time he can do it around school.  So instead I turned it over to God.  He is going to work the details out. If brother gets to come awesome!  I know God has it in His control.  As it stands now we will pick both of them up at the same time same place on Friday.   Prayers would be deeply appreciated as I have to do LOTS of refocusing and reminding on where to look and whose problem it is to deal with. 

Then there is the home school waver.  We have already filled out the paper work.   It is in the works.  I have done my part; again it is His to do.   I have to trust His timing that it will be ready before we need it. 

Vacation has to be planned out and judge approved.   We haven’t done that yet, he has to be placed first.   We are working on a more exact plan much earlier than most years.  We do have it pretty well nailed down on where and what we want to do.  Now to make sure the campgrounds we want are open. 

Walking in His light is hard when it is dark.  It is easy to think we can walk this mountain until we get there and the light we have is very dim.   When we allow God’s light into us we take it to the dark spots.  If we stay in the light of other Christians, then our shining for Him isn’t noticed, but when we take Christ Light into the darkness we light the area up, we change the darkness.  Our light may not seem very bright, but if you have ever been in need of a light and not had one on a very dark night any amount of light is a blessing.  He is calling each of us to be a light unto others.   He will provide the light if we take the path.  Each of us has a different path we are called to walk.  It is not easy.  We can take heart that we are not walking the path alone.  We are walking with God.  He is walking with us. We also have the prayers of those that choose to pray for us.   They help! 

When we are walking in the darkness, being Christ Light in it can be very lonely and dark.  Especially when He calls us to walk in darkness that someone else doesn’t understand and isn’t led to walk in.   Don’t judge them, or condemn them for being where they are.  They may be right where God put them.  Lift them up, come along side them and pray for them.  They may be in another country doing mission work, or feeding the homeless, or sharing Christ with people of different faith.  They may be adopting a child that has no brain, or aids, or will never live alone.  They may be adopting a child of a different race.    Walking out God’s calling moves people into lonely places.  Reach out and lift them up.  Help them burn brighter. 

My Daughters Drawings

I know those that are friends on fb have saw the pictures that my 15 yo have drawn. I just wanted to share some of them on here.  She has sold a few of them and given a lot away.

Randomness

After my daughter's last post it is hard to even write.  Her post so left me speechless and amazed in the amazing healing power of God.  He has and is doing amazing things in her.   That was her overview for the book she hopes to one day write.  I can't wait to read it! 

I am still very much in love with the essential oils.   I have been putting them on 11 yo daily for almost 3 months now.   I have tweaked it one way and another and this is what we are using.:Balance, Serenity, Bergamot, and Vitiver.   I am applying one drop of each to the back of his neck each morning to start the day.   Some days he will ask for more oil during the day.  Some days he will ask for Wild Orange just because.  What I see 3 months in is amazing. The last test he had to write for he did it in less than 1/2 a day.   Sure beats 3-5 days of fighting, yelling and screaming.   I see an overall calming.  Last night I noticed that I am asking him to lower his voice less.  He tends to get very loud when he is excited or playing.   He is more content with life I think.   I am using them on 17 yo also. She will tell you she can focus better. I don't know what all they are doing for her. I have noticed that as I have purposed to put them on her each morning she is humming and singing randomly throughout the day. It is almost like there is a peace about her spirit. 

Since life is dull and boring, and otherwise nothing is going on we are adopting again. From the day the 17 yo’s case worker placed her she has ask if we were doing it again. She had a little guy she felt would blossom here. Even before we finalized on 17 yo she was hooking us up with this young man. We met him over Memorial Weekend. Caseworker took him to the zoo and we went also. He is almost 11. Loves bugs, loves the outdoors and wants so so so badly to be adopted.     He keeps asking his CW when he can come visit us.  She said it seems he might have chosen us. We start visits next weekend. She is hoping to have him placed by mid Aug.   Prayers appreciated! 

We are planning our fall vacation. Kids have written their ideas down. With our new one coming next month we will have to have a detailed itinerary of where we are going. It should be an interesting vacation with 7 kids in the RV. We plan on doing Carlsbad Caverns, the bat flight, zoo in Carlsbad, then on up to White Sands, Valley of Fire and Lincoln/Capitan NM. From there we will go into Northern New Mexico for about 5 days. Several of the stops will be new to different kids. White Sands only 3 of them have been too.     
MN has been doing a lot of drawings.  Her ability just blows me away.  I have shared many of them on fb.  

MJ is seriously considering the military.  I think it will be a good place for him if he can get in.  He is busy studying in his spare time for the test.   He will be 17 in Sept.   I see lots of maturity in him. 

 

Through the Eyes of the Unwanted

My daughter is working on her life story. This is an over view she shared with me and allowed me to share on my blog.   People ask, why adopt?  Why foster?  This is why.   Please be gracious with commits if you are led to commit.  She is sharing her journey of healing.  

 

Through the Eyes of the Unwanted

 

I remember my childhood… I remember the pain and terror. I remember the curses that were thrown at me and the hatred in my parent’s eyes when they screamed at me. I remember biting back the sobs that begged to be let loose, the physical pain my heart gave me when I refused to allow myself to feel. I remember the feeling of my heart breaking and the vast emptiness that seemed to fill me afterwards. I longed to be a different kid. I longed to be loved and wanted. I longed to have my mother kiss me and tickle me, or my father to toss me up and catch me… all the while he would laugh and smile. I wanted to be safe and loved… I longed to cry… oh how I wish I‘d allowed to let the tears escape. I couldn’t run to my parents when I was hurt… because they were the ones who hurt me.

I remember the stench of our house. I remember feeling the cold wetness of my pants… because in fear I had peed them. I remember the unbearable pain as my father and his friends tore into me at 3 years old. I remember hating the other kids… because they had food, love, and smiling parents. They had hugs, kisses, laughter… trust. I had hate, an aching belly, cuts and bruises. I had screaming parents, soiled clothes… pain and terror day after day. I wondered when my last day would be… I wondered when… when God would actually see me hurting and help me. Would He ever? Would I forever be trapped in my earthly hell? I wanted to be free… but then… I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved and warm. I had forgotten what it felt like to cry and to feel pain… I had forgotten how to be alive…

I remember to pain when my “babysitters” would poke my back with a knife… while I lay on the floor on my stomach with a blanket covering me. I remember the confusion as I watched my mother drive away with a wave and wouldn’t return for a few hours and sometimes a few days. I remember the damp smell of the closet where I hid for hours at time… I remember the little door that led me under the house. I can feel the spiders and bugs crawl on me…

I remember lying on the floor of my room… listening to father screaming at mother calling her every name under the sun. Sometimes they would come in and beat me or they would beat my brother. With every slap, every hit with the belt… every slash with the dog chain I willed myself to not cry. I winced and was rewarded with another slash and a curse.

I believe every child starts out with a belief… that God is real. I think the world beats it out of them… When I was a small girl… I somehow knew He was real… until I realized He wasn’t helping me when I asked. He didn’t save me right away… but… He kept me alive.

I remember mother telling me that it was my fault I got hurt. Because I was bad and wouldn’t listen. I remember father telling me that it was my fault he raped me. Although he never said why. Honestly, I didn’t think I would live to be a teenager. I thought I was going to die… it would just be a matter of time.

I remember mother chasing me with a knife. Yelling that she was going to kill me. Telling me I was nothing but trash…

Trash… I was trash…

Alone… terribly alone… so cold and afraid. I was a little girl… a scared confused little girl. Why me? Why was I hated? Did I deserve to be hurt?

I remember the night…

I was laying awake in the dark. Screaming and cursing was loud outside. Suddenly I saw blue and red lights on my bedroom wall. Sirens wailed. I got up and hid under my bed. I soon felt grabbing and tugging. I pulled back but I was soon dragged out and picked up. I was carried outside and put inside my grandmother’s van. I saw mother being shoved in a car that was flashing lights everywhere. “Mommy!” I cried, “Mommy!” for some reason I didn’t want to leave her. I heard her call my name. Then the door was closed. I tried to open the door but grandmother locked it. I pounded the door as she pulled out of the driveway and left my parents behind. I remember looking out the back window and seeing the black of the night and the partial glare of grandmother’s taillights. I asked where I was going and she didn’t answer.

I lived at Grandmother’s house for a year. I knew I wasn’t wanted, and I hated her. I hated everyone. She took my brother, sister and I to a shelter and dropped us off. She told us the reason was that a foster kid in her home didn’t like us, and would kill us. However, I knew better. I knew it was because she didn’t like us. I hated her for lying… like everyone else.

We moved shortly after into another home. I didn’t like her either. I hated her. She would make us stay up late at night to watch scary movies, like the Chainsaw Massacre… then make my little sister sleep with her so I was alone in the pitch blackness of my room wondering when a man would come in and strip my face.

I lived there a year and moved to a new home... and I love it. I had a choice of a new beginning… I took it. I was told it was ok to cry. I cried. I was told it was ok to love my mother and father… it was ok to love my past. It took a while but I love my mother… my father… even those that I hated. I forgive the taunts of other kids. I don’t want to forget my past… Because it made me who I am today. I love my new mom and dad. It took me a long time to love them.

It is no kid’s fault that they were abused. It is no one’s fault but the abuser’s fault. He/she is the ONLY one who is accountable. I want the other kids who are in foster care, adopted or those who are still in abusive situations… It isn’t your fault. You are amazing, and loved by God. He sees your pain and hears your cries.

I have forgiven my parents and my past. Not because I HAD to, but because I wanted to. I wanted to be free and I can’t be free if I won’t let go of my past pain. You can’t move forward if you are walking backwards. Forgiveness is a necessity if you want to heal. Forgiveness and tears are the two most important tools to help you heal.

Thank you for reading…

Marie J.         

P.s Just to let you all know I have survived fifteen years! To me that is a big deal because I didn’t know if I would!