Last night as I went to bed feeling terrible I again ask God what my sin was. I had a stomach bug last week, now a cold. I knew I was in sin some how. But what was it?
Like a lightning bolt it hit me BUSYNESS. Even though I am doing my quite time daily I am not doing it will a joyful spirit or a focused mind. I have to much else going on!
As I read God's word my mind wonders to what I need to do today. Which child will give me fits today. How best to deal with a zillion different things. Add cold weather and that is another layer of distraction.
I have switched up my Bible reading several times lately trying to figure out what was lacking. I got my journal out and journaled, a bit. That again soon fell by the way side. I didn't want to be legalistic about my time with God. I want it to just flow. I want to fellowship with Him, on my terms. When I have time, amidst the distractions of 5 kids, all with adjustment issues as we build a new family out of strangers. When I am not feeding 4 legged critters or doing laundry for 2 legged critters. When I feel like it!
The Holy Experience bog yesterday was very powerful in this area. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/01/how-to-avoid-life-crashes.html
Stop Think Obey PRAY
I need to spend a lot more time STOP ed than I do in motion. Right now I seem to be always in motion, at least my brain. Just like it is very hard to teach our children with there are a zillion distractions, it is hard for my Father to teach me.
Many places in the Bible it uses the word repent, but what does it really mean? I use to think it meant "Say you are sorry, and mean it." I have since learned it means something more and something deeper. This is from the Blue Letter Bible: Repentance is not reforming our life. Nor is it penance or an attempt to atone for sins. Repentance is change—it is more than sorrow.
I can be sad that I was sinning and not change. I can give lip service to change and not change in my heart. True repentance is heart change.
Last night I continued to pray between coughing spells for what I needed to do. How I needed to change. What I needed to do to put God first again, and not sandwich Him in between the temper tantrum and warming baby milk, while also listening to some read. It really isn't a very good place to fellowship with my Heavenly Father, the God of the Universe.
I don't have all the answers. I wish I did. I still didn't get up as early as I wanted to to spend time with God today. I had found an online Bible Reading Plan with a journal attached that seems interesting. It will tell me each day what I need to read and give me a place for my thoughts.
I know I am going to have to sacrifice Internet time of a morning to spend more time real time with God. Or I could drag my bottom out of bed earlier to do it. :) I know that winter is hard for me to get up early, it's dark and cold. I like spending time early when it isn't cold and dark.
I have several Bible Study books around here I want to do. When? I have been working on one for 2 months and still not finished. I like it, but find it requires a lot of concentration. That means before children are up or after they go to bed. I am to tired most nights to study once the house is quite. My goal is a few minutes with my dh before I crash. I know from adopting before this is a season. It is much like the first month or so when you have a new baby in the house. As everyone meshes and fits together into a family and learns the rules my life becomes easier.
I can't use that as an excuse though. I have to make God time now! I have to put Him first so I am armed with Him to deal with all the thorns of the day. I wish I could say I have a solid plan, but I don't have a clue! I am on day three of my Bible reading plan. :) I did focus better today, but not where I need to be. I continue to take every thought captive and battle against spiritual distractions that are blocking me from receiving God's Word and His understanding. Knowing what I need to do. Knowing what my sin is helps a LOT. I can now focus more on laying aside things that are 'busy" but not productive. Time stealer's! Some of which are also very uplifting. I need to find a new balance in my walk with God. I need to make conscious thoughts to put Him first. To seek Him out not just when I have an issues, or when I have "time", but throughout the day. STOP often! I haven't been stopping much less thinking. Obey? well.... if I am not thinking then I can't be obeying! and Prayers have been a quick crises prayer or a wow sunset prayer but not a deep drawing near Him, worshiping Him prayer time.
So as I tell God "I'm sorry!" I will work on repenting and turning away from my sin, I will work on the heart issues that caused the sin in the first place. I will seek my Father more. Not just for needs, but as I describe it kitchen table talk.
Years ago I was thinking about what fellowship means and how it applies to friends, family and God. Until my mom died every afternoon for 20+ years friends, relatives and their friends gathered at her kitchen table about 4 pm. We drank coffee, we visited, we solved world problems, we held grand kids, we snacked on what ever anyone brought or what Grandmother had made. This is true fellowship! We shared our hearts, our problems, our funnies. We watched our loved ones die from cancer as they came to coffee until they were to weak to walk across the street. It is a memory that is precious to me and I think probably every person that joined her at that old kitchen table. While some may not see fellowship with God in the same light. They didn't experience the love of Grandmothers table. That is the closest experience on Earth I can come up with to what fellowshipping with God is like.