And why you ask did I start my post with that Bible verse? Because the time has come for us to fill out the paper work for J and her new name. I wanted to name and claim when we got her but she wasn't interested at all in a new name. I have never mentioned it again. Last night DH ask me what exactly she wanted her name to be. We both really thought she was struggling on letting go of her last name. I didn't have an answer but told him we would talk about it today.
Today I told her we needed to make a decision on her name and for her to go some place quite and pray about it and let me know what she wanted. Low and behold she came down stairs with a list of names! J was no where on the list! I was shocked! We went some place warm and quite to talk about it, the barn! OK, quite is relative at our house. We talked about the why she wants to change her name. I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a whim of oh wow and tomorrow she would regret it. She had all the "right" answers. Wanting to start fresh and have a new name for her new life. I really thing she must have been mulling this over for a while. We talked about how it would change her birth certificate. Everything will change, everything but her, and that is a work in progress. That a new name won't "fix" the stuff she still needs to work on.
We spent the day weeding out names. I am so thankful my DIL likes names and such. I don't! We have it weeded out to a few that J and I both like. Now for Dad! She agrees that her new name needs to be something all three of us agree on. That it isn't the "right" name unless we all agree. Before I ever met her I had a new name in my head for her. It is one of the finalist. But, today as we were praying over something else a new name came to me. It is also one of the finalist.
Today she received a letter from her bio mom. She and DIL had went to the highway and checked the mail. She didn't open it but brought it to me to read first. Last and only other one she had received I didn't give her. I just gave her the pictures out of it. This time after I read it I told her she could read it. I didn't LIKE it, but I felt she could deal with it. Her bio just doesn't get it! She is so self-centered she things we are going to meet half way to get to know each other. She thinks J should be calling her. She things J should come visit soon. Now where in there is anything about what J needs are wants? She did share some chatty information too so I let J read it.
Of course it upset J and made her angry and frustrated. She has decided to break contact even letters for a while. I think this is wise and I will write a letter being the bad guy. I am glad we did this though because it allowed J to have some control.
God also used this to do more healing. I held her as she cried. I ask her what she was feeling she admitted feeling that she wasn't important to her bio. unloved, unwanted. I ask her to let Jesus go back in her memory to help her know the truth. She agreed and went back to where she was being pawned off on her aunt and grandmother for mom to party. This was at a very young age. As Jesus showed her that she wasn't at fault. That her mom did the best she could. That all these feelings were garbage that didn't even belong to her. Jesus did a lot of closet cleaning tonight she said as she sobbed in my arms. He showed her stuff and threw it out of her heart. He also gave her a picture of what it would have been like if she had been born my child. I don't exactly know what He showed her. She couldn't even put it all into words. I just see the healing from times like this. She said He did a LOT of cleaning. She doesn't have 100% peace at her mom but it is closer. There is still some more junk that she will have to deal with before she can forgive her and love her for just who she is and not who J wishes she could have been/should have been.
God is so awesome! It amazes me when I get to watch Him move in my hurting kids lives and the hurt just be gone.
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