I love Spring!

Spring helps me get out of my rut of consequences and struggling to find ways to be creative with them. S has spent the week learning science. The Science of if you don't pull all the weeds right, and then procrastinate, you have to again pull weeds in ALL the garden beds!



S, T and MJ have also learned that when mom and dad say quiet time starts at 9:30 it is wise to shut your mouth then. They had to clean the yard of all the winter collection of trash, bones, rocks, broken toys and assorted other junk. Mom is so mean, she gave MJ the back yard while T and S got the pleasure of the side, front and pool area. Why did I give the girls an area together and MJ his own? Because MJ WORKS and the other two compete to see who wins the lazy contest! I figure they deserve working together! MJ got his done in one afternoon, with a little exception while mom ask him to help her. While the girls were very busy for two days. They may NOW be finished. Dad hasn't checked!

What was so funny with S and the garden is that when she did it right she came in excited and so happy. She felt wonderful inside. She was glad she was made do it right. She could hardly express all the "bubbly feelings" inside, her words. As she pulled weeds she came to understand that it wasn't a punishment, but a life lesson about caring for a garden and being responsible. We then talked again about being tomato staked. Even at 17 she needs it. I have a tree out near the swing we were on and I used it. When it was young the wind broke it over. I took a metal rod and put it in the ground right beside the tree set it up and then taped it tightly to the rod. It grew like this for a couple of years, until the tape rotted away. Now the rod is pushed aside while the tree stands firm and tall. This I showed S is her. She needs to be taped to me, not forever, but until she is strong enough to withstand the world and make good choices. I think she could see that. Now does that mean next time she tugs at the tape she will like it, no probably not.

Since everyone else was in trouble MN had to get into it a bit. She had picked up a "dumb" attitude from somewhere. I finally lost it last night and told her she wasn't welcome down stairs except for meals until she came up with the reason. She finally did. Took her half of today. She was "fitting in" with some kids she had saw. She didn't want to be different and since they acted that way..... She was denying who she was. A powerful, smart young woman of God. She admitted it and I hope learned a lesson. While she was upstairs thinking she made me this:

As you read that remember that I had read her the riot act both last night and this morning about attitude and acting stupid! Those that know me know that I don't mince words and tend to be very blunt about what I think. Yet maybe that is what she needs.

Making Gravy

The other morning we were doing biscuits, sausage and gravy for breakfast. S was wanting the "recipe" for gravy. Recipe? Hahahhahaahaha! So when it came time to make the gravy I had her watch closely. She then got to stir the gravy until it thickened. The whole time she had this confused look on her face. She couldn't get past the fact that I didn't have a recipe for gravy. For me Recipe's are guidelines, not written in stone. S tends to be a written in stone person. This time I wasn't even trying to blow her out of the water with my lack of stone. I don't ever use a recipe for gravy. I learned watching my mom.

The next morning she volunteered to make gravy. I think she did measure her ingredients. She made a wonderful pan of gravy all by herself. It was thick enough, but not one giant clump. For her first time she did awesome! Much better than my first 50 pans of gravy!

Strong will? My Will....

I had such a good laugh this morning. S did something spiteful to MN. I called her on it. She did the deny. That flew about as far as lead balloons. Since that didn't work she decided to ignore me. :) Oh the pouty face. She is on one side of the table arms crossed looking like she just had a bite of a lemon. I am relaxed feet propped in a chair on the other side of the table. I am speaking truths, in a quite relaxed voice. She refuses to even LOOK at me. I continue to speak truths off and on. I laugh and chat with others and enjoy the "game". With in 30 minutes game is over! She can't continue her stance of "mad". Before I finish eating the grapefruit I am eating she is laughing. She owns what she did and why. Life goes on.

For some setting and maintaining a calm composure and allowing her to stew while mom enjoyed it for 30 minutes might see a long time. I couldn't help pointing out that when her older brother was about 12 he sat at the bar for 7 HOURS not doing 15 math problems. I even sold one of his goats while he sat. Then there is MN who I usually have to push over the top in mad to get it done with. Or T who can stand on the steps and SCREAM for 3 hours straight. Poor S doesn't have a chance against my training.

Life is never dull!

School Update.....

T finished her school on Tue. She spend 1/2 the day being bored as others had to work. On Wed. she and I went and got a ton of feed and unloaded it. She would drag the sacks to the back of the truck I would empty them into barrels and using a dolly move them where I wanted them. It was slow but we got it done.

After unloading the feed I started loading her 4th grade school work on her new computer. She bounced around like a rubber ball and helped install everything. School is set to start on Monday the 6th. As of this morning she has finished all of Monday's school and is working on Tue. She turned 8 in Dec. She finished 3rd grade with just below a 90 average across the board. Not bad!

I think MN will finish her school today. She is down to a few in math. MJ well ??? maybe by tomorrow night. He has some in Science and Math.

S......... hummmm she will be taking some subjects over instead of going to the next grade. She just pouted about having to do it to long, cheated to much and flat doesn't work well if she isn't cheating. I really think she has spent her life cheating on everything and now is having to learn that her brain is useful and smart and can learn. She will study and pass and be so excited. It is sad and funny. She has been cleaning mental closets this week a lot. We have pushed to tears and as I gather her in my arms the sobs come and the disclosures of rejection, abuse and fear come. Each time is a cleansing for her. She feels less weight and less dirt attached to her afterwards. It is just so hard to make those confessions. Each time I see healing and growth after we spend time fighting then cuddling. Last night she was so angry at us, standing there alone and defiant about some little something that shouldn't have even been a big deal, but she had made it into one. As we talked I hit a nerve and the tears slowly fell, yet her face or stance never changed. I let her stew in her defiance a few more minutes as we talked then walked over to her gathered her in my arms and started whispering, "I love you S!" "I love YOU!" The dam broke. After holding her a few minutes standing we sat on the couch and cuddled as I pushed and prodded for what her greatest fears were. We took them and looked at them with Jesus. As He guided her into truth about what she feared the devil lost his power to put fear on her in those areas. This morning she cleaned closets, only this time the closets upstairs, getting rid of most/all of her clothes from AR. I really don't understand the reason she needed them gone, but she did. I don't know exactly what memories are attached to these material possessions but she needed them gone.

As always life is never dull around here. Busy yes, dull.... never!

Praying that today will be a very blessed day for all who read this.

Prayers for a Friend....

Yesterday I allowed S to spend the night at a friends house. She has an almost 16 yo daughter and the girls seem to have hit it off. Things went great until about 7:30 when she called me in hysterics. The baby was choking!!! The baby was BLUE!!! They had already called 911 and the baby was in the ambulance. The baby is 2.5 or so. She wanted me to pray. Of course I had started doing that as soon as I heard her voice. She calmed very quickly and wanted to stay and be there for her friend.

About 2 hours later she called back. The baby didn't make it. It seems mom was giving him a children's Motrin and some how he got choked. Please keep this family in your prayers. I can't imagine the pain they are in.

Please keep S in prayer to as she deals with this. I know she was there for a purpose, but my mommy heart wishes she wasn't.

Done Deal!

Every thing went off without a hitch! We did have to wait and wait for AR to call they were ready. Once we got the judge and the "court" on the line it was a 5 minute call. I think S felt it was almost anti-climatic. She had worried and worried for this? :) Here are some pictures of today and of the day we picked her up. Yes, the now and then really are the same child.

I call this picture my wildchild picture. It so shows the enter turmoil within her. Yes, she knows I call her my wild child in this picture and a few more.

Fast fwd 6 months and 15 days to today. This was while we were waiting on the call from AR.

Finished!

Today's the day!

We will be leaving for town about 7:30. WAY to early! It should be interesting to see how this works. We will be doing this through a conference call to AR. The Judge and S's lawyer are there and ours will be here. I really do like her lawyer. She called her last night to chat and to chat with us. That is above and beyond. She also picks all the kids up that are her "kids" each week and takes them to church. We need more lawyers like this!

As of last night S was yo-yoing between being excited and scared it wouldn't really happen. S has had some behaviour issues the last few days, nothing bad, just more than "normal". Sunday morning after yet again pushing the limit. I looked at her and said, "It really doesn't matter how big a butt you are between now and Tue. We ARE adopting you!" She wanted to question it, I didn't have time. That night she came to me to talk and said she didn't know why she had been acting the way she had. She was sorry. That she was acting this way because she was scared about the adoption. She just can't believe it is going to happen. I agreed with all she said and told her she was "normal". That all her actions were no more than expected. That she could do them and I would give the consequences to go with them. The boundaries are tight. She agreed and was glad. I explained to her that it is her last ditch effort to prove all those people right that said she was unlovable. She started crying and talking about how many people had told her that. We talked about them and truth and just cuddled on the couch a while. I told her God willing and the creek didn't rise we would be finalizing on Tue. Then I added I really hoped the creek rose! She laughed and agreed since we need rain so bad!

I so admire her. Can you imagine at 16 being willing to move to a new state with strange people at the chance of a better life? Not many any age would be willing to do it, and embrace it with love and determination like she has. She is very brave!

Today if you think of it keep us in prayer that all goes without a hitch. I don't expect problems. I know this was God ordained from the start. Satan may try to mess it up, but he has no authority.

I'm not sure what we will do after the adoption is final. I need to make a Wal-mart run. We may stick around town for lunch. Then home to do school and on with life.

All have a blessed day!

One Week and Counting....

We are one week from finalizing on S's adoption. Time has flown. She is excited. She is counting the days. She and I have both had a terrible round of the flu. We have tried to find out who could homestead their bed more. I think I may have won. Last night we were homesteading the couch and rocker and she started sharing what she had been thinking as she had laid in bed feeling yuck. I wish I had felt better to talk more but she said she had been just seeing snap shots of her life and all the dumb things she had been involved in. She looks at it now and is amazed at how stupid some of it was. I ask her what the biggest change was and she blew me away with her answer. Being aware and afraid of the big bad world, she said before she had no clue and thought she could handle it all by herself, now she sees it differently I laughed and told her I remember a little girl assuring me she was very responsible, more so than the other kids she knows. She snorted and said she didn't have a clue and she wasn't responsible. I wish I had felt more human to really discuss it all. As it was we did talk about where her “parents” were while she was making all these bad choices. It didn't matter if we were talking bio or fosters, where were they? She said “they weren't there.”

I do have to say that as crazy as it sounds adopting a 16 year old, now 17 yo has been a much easier journey than the three littles. She has such a willing spirit to grow. She is working hard on school, will finish another years worth at the end of March. She is learning to cook. I am feeling comfortable enough to allow her to do stuff without me watching to close. She hasn't tried to put ½ cup of salt in the cream of wheat in a while, instead of ½ teaspoon.

She talks often about how amazing her life is. How happy she is. In lots of ways she isn't 17 yet, but she is much closer than she was 6 months ago! We will start drivers ed after we get the name change and paper work on the adoption. I have already given her the book to start studying. I see this child that is and the adult that is to come on a daily bases right now. She is both! The adult is being refined and changed daily in expectations. She is the one that is setting and changing her expectations. We talked last week about her being afraid as she sees and wants some of the good from her bio mom but is afraid to take hold of it because so much of bio isn't good. We talked about taking the good from all the people she knows and making them into her, not bio not me not friends she looks up to, but into a new creation that is totally S.

Dad said something the other night about calling her S was now second nature. He ask her if she though of herself as S. If when she heard her name called it registered or not. She snapped her fingers and said like that. :) I have allowed her to write her church that she got Baptized in the weekend we got her. I had to chuckle as I pointed out she raved about her new life and how wonderful it was, about her new name, but no where in there did she tell them the name they knew her by. She was like, “Oh!” and added a PS at the top to let them know she use to be J. :) She really has attached to her new name.

What I learned today....

It all started so simply. S came home from her trip with some issues. Both DH and I noticed before she even spoke her face was puff and she had a sullen look. She slept all the way home. She wanted to sleep more. The other two talked about all the sweets they ate and how much more S ate. They did have water once in a while. Seems S had sweet tea or soda. She said she did drink water at night. I guess a little water is better than none.

Yesterday she didn't finish her school work until after 6 PM! She flat couldn't stay focused! Lots of sullen looks and attitude went along with me trying to redirect her. She is usually finished with school and chores by 2-3 pm. So this wasn't “normal”.

This morning DH was home late so when he came into the room he greeted S with, “I see my little girl is still missing. I wish she would come home.” This led to a talk about attitudes, choices and how the quantity of junk, mainly sugar had effected her. She tried telling us it wasn't the sugar. She didn't know what it was, but “It wasn't the sugar.”

We agreed it may not be the sugar. We gave examples of foods or things that others she knows can't have. Two friends have children that can't have some of the red dyes. One child gets violent while the other swings from the ceiling. Then we talked about how I can't do very much sugar and Dr. Pepper is a huge NO NO for me. She has never saw me drink a DP, yet I love them. MJ can't listen to music with headphones. It overwhelms his system and his ears/brain shut down. I ask her if she knew what would happen to one of my on line friends if she had eaten all the junk S ate this weekend. She had no clue. I bluntly and truthfully told her she would be dead today.

She did finally admit she doesn't feel good inside right now. That was a big admission. She is so much like the little girl we brought home from AR instead of the young lady she was becoming. Even to the puffiness of her face. We aren't trying to make her feel bad, but become aware of something that may and probably will be a life long issue. To much sugar messes with her brain!

I wanted ammo to back this up so I started looking on line. I first typed in sugar and depression. This brought this information.
“Continuous large doses of sugar and/or carbohydrates, overtime, usually cause the brain's endorphins sites to slow production or close sites to regulate the amount of endorphins in the brain. When the body cuts back on endorphin production it reduces the amount of endorphins available in the body at any given time. The lack of enough endorphin in the brain causes slight to deep depression. To maintain a normal level of endorphins in the brain the individual must eat more sugar and/or carbohydrates to get out of depression and maintain a normal mood level. This causes a vicious cycle of addiction, physiologically”

“Physically, the body has been given a massive dose of sugar that goes straight into the blood system. It is the bodies business to keep the body's blood sugar stabilized. The body injects a massive dose of insulin. Insulin tries to neutralize the sugar by acting as a downer. The sugar's effect on the body is short lived and wears off within an hour. The effect of the insulin has greater staying power. It is there long after the sugar wears off. This causes another mood swing. This time the mood is one of depression. Physically the body experiences lethargy. This usually causes the individual to use sugar to feel better

Of course I didn't stop there. I kept researching. "Sugar’s effects are similar to those of many drugs, and can become an addiction. Many times the addiction starts in childhood, as we are offered candy as rewards, and so the mind begins to associate sweets with pleasure and other positive emotions at a very early age. As it is metabolized, sugar bypasses many parts of the digestive process, and is absorbed directly into the bloodstream, raising the blood sugar level. It also produces a sharp rise in insulin, which is used by cells to absorb the sugar. Not only this, but sugar also causes the brain to release the chemical serotonin, boosting a person’s mood, and causing a mild feeling of happiness. As humans, we have been doubly reinforced to sugar; once by behavior-receiving it as a reward, and second, in the fact that it actually does produce some physical feelings of euphoria. Our bodies know that when they taste the sugar, the rush is coming. ….....Just as quickly as the sugar high hits, it passes just as quickly, and we are left feeling tired and wanting another ‘fix.’ A catch-22 to this situation is that even though sugar produces a serotonin boost, too much sugar depletes this chemical, leading to depression. This bears out a vicious cycle in which the body begins wanting more sugar, more serotonin, all the while depleting the serotonin, making the cravings worse.”http://www.sparkaonline.com/sugar_dangers.php

The more I read the more interested I became. I found this list of things that sugar is linked to. I found most of this list more than once! This is just the simplest list to include here. I shared this with S and at 17 she saw 11 things on this list that fit her. How many do you see that fit you? I can honestly say that what would have applied 10 years ago would have been a much longer list that issues I have today.
“Excessive sugar consumption has been linked to all of the following health problems. Note: this is not a comprehensive list.
• abdominal bloating and cramping
• aggression, excessive (especially in children)
• appendicitis
• arthritis
• asthma
• cancer
• cataracts
• chronic fatigue
• constipation
• decreased growth hormone levels
• depression
• diabetes
• difficult concentrating
• fluid retention
• gallstones
• headaches, including migraines
• heart disease
• hemorrhoids
• hypoglycemia
• immune system changes
• indigestion
• inflammation
• inflammatory bowel disease
• insomnia
• irritability
• learning disorders in children
• memory loss
• mineral deficiencies
• mood swings
• multiple sclerosis
• obesity
• osteoporosis
• panic attacks
• PMS
• premature aging
• seizures
• serum triglyceride and/or cholesterol levels, elevated
• skin rashes
• systolic blood pressure, elevated
• tooth decay
• toxemia during pregnancy
• yeast overgrowth/infections “
http://www.sparkaonline.com/sugar_dangers.php

Want more? Here is a link to 146 reasons that sugar is ruining your life. http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/sugar-health-effects-risks.html

Here is some stuff I didn't know.
“Since sugar is 'nutritionally naked', the body must 'borrow' the missing vitamins, minerals and other synergistic nutrients required to metabolize sugar from its own tissues.
Heavy sugar consumption therefore causes a constant siphoning of nutrients from the body. Recent evidence suggests that sugar causes dental problems not so much by contact with the teeth but rather by leaching the teeth of calcium from within.
Sugar also depletes the body of potassium and magnesium, which are required for proper cardiac function, and is therefore a major factor in heart disease.
The nutritional leaching caused by sugar can give rise to intense food cravings and eating binges, as the body seeks to replenish the nutrients 'stolen' from it by sugar.” http://www.hps-online.com/foodprof1.htm

I challenge everyone to do their own research on sugar. Some of the search words I used were: Sugar and depression, side effects white sugar and Dangers and Side Effects of Sugar. I ended up with 17 pages of information in less than an hour. I would love to send anyone that wants it all my raw copy and paste information if you want to wade through it.

So what is everyone's thoughts on this? Think this is all a joke? I wonder how much of this applies to the increase in meds given to our children to help them focus, to boost them out of depression, to set them in chairs, to manage their angry outburst, to contol their mood swings.... and the list goes on and on.

Green stuff and other Wed. Ramblings....

I have found a way to get more green in my diet. I was adding chlorophyll to my first 34 oz mug of water each morning. It is good for you and I don't mind the taste in water. It is rather tough for me straight. I then got the idea of taking about 2 hand fulls of fresh spinach blending it in about 2-3 cups of water until it is liquid. I don't mind the flavor. It would come as a shock if you thought it was just ice water. I do add ice to it. I tried blending the ice too, but decided I like it better with cubes. It can't be all bad if my grand son discovers that is what is in my mug he shares even more than normal. I do warn mommy if he is sharing a lot no matter if it chlorophyll or spinach. I don't want her to be shocked at the diaper later. This gives me a couple of servings of green in an easy and on the go way to drink it. I also have learned to buy the packages of Spinach that are close out. If they still look good then I buy them at about .50 bring them home and toss the whole bag in the freezer. When I need/want a green drink I have it at hand no matter how long it has been since I shopped.

I am loving my MP3 player. What I like best is the external speaker. It is so fun to drop it in my pocket and my music level never changes no matter what room I go into. I do laugh at grand son trying to figure out why my pocket is making music. I am well pleased with the length of time the battery last. The only think I dislike is the software. Can you say junk? I would recommend the MP3 player to anyone. I would also advise them to just toss the software and use the Window's media player. It only took me about 4 hours of trial and error to figure out how to get pictures on my toy. This morning I downloaded a BUNCH of music. Many hours worth. It should be fun.

Does anyone else struggle with allowing their kids to fail so they can learn? Mine didn't manage their time yesterday well. They didn't start school until almost lunch. They played with the grand baby a LOT. They chattered like chipmunks at each other. They took a LONG time to fix and eat lunch. That meant getting it out of the frig. Putting it on a plate and warming it. I refused to engage. I just kept my mouth shut. Dad gets home after 7 pm and I have 3 with school work to do and no chores done. OOPS! So dad woke them when he got up this morning at 4:50. S wasn't in on the getting her school and chores done. She has learned to manage her time surprisingly well. She did how ever have to rise and shine LONG before me because we have a rule that they are to be dressed and downstairs by 8 AM. She didn't do that. I think she was awake and dressed. She just waited for mom to holler on the radio to appear about 8:15. The others were still snoozing. She had the privilege of reading or drawing or what ever this morning. The other three had the privilege of school and chores. MN is on a roll. She managed to take 6 HOURS to do the dishes she should have done yesterday. Dad's new rule is if school and chores aren't done then they will be getting up when he does. They also loose the privilege of playing. I am sure some one will have to test the rule.

I do find it so funny and wonderful that S has went from this very scatter brained can't focus child to a young lady that almost never doesn't finish her school and chores in a timely manor. Day before yesterday she did "test". She wanted to go with DIL to her house. I ask if school and chores were done. She assured me they were. I assured her I wanted to see the chore list. Then the back peddling started. She had "Kitchen" but couldn't do it since the dishes weren't done. "Humm... you can't sweep the floor? Wash the table and cabinets that don't have dishes off?" LOL next excuse was, "We always do the "kitchen" after the dishes are done." This was met with a round of "That's not true!" from the others on the chore list. :) Then she hopped up to get it done! DIL went home. S was assuring her she would be over in a bit. DIL knew better. Oh the pouting! Sometimes it is really hard to keep your face straight as you watch them pout. I called her name to point out what she didn't do. She was "reading" on the couch. She didn't hear me. Called it about 3 times. I am sure it was because I was using her "new" name. Finally I got to use the FULL name! "Oh were you talking to me?" LOL She pouted around for maybe an hour. Life went on. It wasn't that long until she was giving me a hug and a kiss. I hugged back and had to ask, "Over being mad?" She grinned and nodded. That in it's self is huge. She is just learning it is ok to admit you are/were mad at some one. I hugged her and reminded her it is OK to be mad and even admit it. We did talk about truth and how much easier it would have been to say, "Oh, give me 5 minutes and I will have them done!" Later she did get to go over.

She is more and more taking responsibility for her actions. Today she was trying to keep the dog from some milk while T was trying to give it to her. I had said it was OK. She was still telling the dog no etc. I called her hand on it. Why can't she have it. All kind of excuses that I blew out of the water. Finally danced her into a corner where she admitted she wanted to be in charge not T. :) I ask if that was fair to the dog giving mixed messages? That was the extent of the discussion.

Our cold is going away for a little while. We are going to be in the 60s today, then 70s until Sunday. Sunday again will be cold. The high on Sat. is mid 70s and then mid 40s for the high on Sunday. That will be COLD. I hope we can get more wood under the carport before then. I really wish there was some moisture coming in with the cold fronts. We are very scary dry. Please pray that we start getting some rain soon.

We will again see S's case worker tomorrow at therapy. She emailed me this morning and ask if we would be in town. :) I really don't mind. I wonder what she will think of S instead of J. My guess is she won't like it. I don't really understand why case workers don't like name changes, yet most adoption "experts" say name them and claim them or like with S let her start fresh without the baggage associated with the old name. S gets very frustrated with this worker and her asking over and over if she "sure" this is what she wants. I really thought S was exaggerating until last month. I just happened to be near enough to the room they were talking in to here it. She really is that negative about it. I can see asking if she is happy? If she feels this placement is working etc. But her wording is negative instead of positive. Oh well S handled it very well last month. This month Jan. and then we will be done with her in Feb. Not that anyone is counting the months!

I'm not sure what our weekend plans are. We would like to go to the flea market, if it is warm and the wind isn't blowing terribly. I think it will be warm, but am betting that the wind will be terrible. Dh wants to work on the freezer some. He is trying to put the wall in between the freezer and frig. We need to cut and or gather some fire wood.

Guess that is about all I can come up with to ramble on today. Everyone have a blessed day and leave a commit so I know I am not talking to myself.

2 The nations shall see your vindication, and all the kings your glory; and you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will give. 3 You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. 4 You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate; but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married. Isaiah 62:2-4 NRSV

And why you ask did I start my post with that Bible verse? Because the time has come for us to fill out the paper work for J and her new name. I wanted to name and claim when we got her but she wasn't interested at all in a new name. I have never mentioned it again. Last night DH ask me what exactly she wanted her name to be. We both really thought she was struggling on letting go of her last name. I didn't have an answer but told him we would talk about it today.

Today I told her we needed to make a decision on her name and for her to go some place quite and pray about it and let me know what she wanted. Low and behold she came down stairs with a list of names! J was no where on the list! I was shocked! We went some place warm and quite to talk about it, the barn! OK, quite is relative at our house. We talked about the why she wants to change her name. I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a whim of oh wow and tomorrow she would regret it. She had all the "right" answers. Wanting to start fresh and have a new name for her new life. I really thing she must have been mulling this over for a while. We talked about how it would change her birth certificate. Everything will change, everything but her, and that is a work in progress. That a new name won't "fix" the stuff she still needs to work on.

We spent the day weeding out names. I am so thankful my DIL likes names and such. I don't! We have it weeded out to a few that J and I both like. Now for Dad! She agrees that her new name needs to be something all three of us agree on. That it isn't the "right" name unless we all agree. Before I ever met her I had a new name in my head for her. It is one of the finalist. But, today as we were praying over something else a new name came to me. It is also one of the finalist.

Today she received a letter from her bio mom. She and DIL had went to the highway and checked the mail. She didn't open it but brought it to me to read first. Last and only other one she had received I didn't give her. I just gave her the pictures out of it. This time after I read it I told her she could read it. I didn't LIKE it, but I felt she could deal with it. Her bio just doesn't get it! She is so self-centered she things we are going to meet half way to get to know each other. She thinks J should be calling her. She things J should come visit soon. Now where in there is anything about what J needs are wants? She did share some chatty information too so I let J read it.

Of course it upset J and made her angry and frustrated. She has decided to break contact even letters for a while. I think this is wise and I will write a letter being the bad guy. I am glad we did this though because it allowed J to have some control.

God also used this to do more healing. I held her as she cried. I ask her what she was feeling she admitted feeling that she wasn't important to her bio. unloved, unwanted. I ask her to let Jesus go back in her memory to help her know the truth. She agreed and went back to where she was being pawned off on her aunt and grandmother for mom to party. This was at a very young age. As Jesus showed her that she wasn't at fault. That her mom did the best she could. That all these feelings were garbage that didn't even belong to her. Jesus did a lot of closet cleaning tonight she said as she sobbed in my arms. He showed her stuff and threw it out of her heart. He also gave her a picture of what it would have been like if she had been born my child. I don't exactly know what He showed her. She couldn't even put it all into words. I just see the healing from times like this. She said He did a LOT of cleaning. She doesn't have 100% peace at her mom but it is closer. There is still some more junk that she will have to deal with before she can forgive her and love her for just who she is and not who J wishes she could have been/should have been.

God is so awesome! It amazes me when I get to watch Him move in my hurting kids lives and the hurt just be gone.

Amazing Day!

Today was to be our field trip. I had found out Monday that J lied about being caught up on school to go to the Retreat. Ooops! Not a good move. I had checked with DIL to see if she would take the other three. J had worked hard, well sorta hard to get caught up in the hopes of swaying me. (I hear some of you chuckling.) Then yesterday MJ yet again didn't do dishes on his day. It isn't manly. I let dad talk to him. I just put him on dish duty until further notice. T decided to play games with the other two girls. She got busted on it. They are both mad at her still. Then I discover that MN lied about getting her school finished yesterday evening. This after I point blank ask her.

I REALLY wanted to go! REALLY REALLY! But, I couldn't allow this type behaviour to be rewarded. We stayed home. I was expecting a rough day filled with attitudes. What I got was an amazing day of peace!

J and MN worked on catching up on school. I had the CD's playing praise and worship music low. They sang along off and on all day with the CDs. They worked and laughed and generally were joyful to be around as they did school. T volunteered to go clean the camper. MJ did his dishes then his laundry and generally was fun to be around. He and T spend HOURS playing upstairs without fighting.

There was lots of teasing with the two girls down here. I am seeing a much more calm, content J. She laughs easy, but not a forced type laugh. She is starting to take teasing and give without getting bent out of shape.

After they finished school the two girls went for a walk. T wasn't invited. I am hoping some peer pressure will change her bossy, game playing attitude with the other two girls. They are mad at her over some lies. They "Love" her but don't trust her right now. I keep pointing out that they to have had their turn at lying and if Dad and I hadn't gave consequences and forgave them where would they be. I think the shunning consequence is quite appropriate. I don't think it will last long. J just can't shun well. MN on the other hand.... well she will finally get happy. I just don't understand how a child not of my womb can be mine in so many ways!

J is excited as she is loosing a LOT of weight. She probably has lost a full clothing size in her hips and waist. I am happy for her. She isn't dieting at all. She just doesn't have access to the junk food she use to eat. She was also talking about how well the acne treatment I bought her works. I don't think that has as much to do with it as the diet changes. Another change in her is her focusing ability. She was so proud yesterday because she stayed focused on school all day! Now my idea of being focused and hers aren't quite the same, but she is learning to handle her time and responsibilities better every day. She is taking pleasure in that.

Her mix and match way behind school is going good. I really feel we have about the right grade levels of school. She has ask me to install Bible, but I couldn't get the 3rd grade to install, so will dig out the 4th or 5th and let her do it. I am judging her abilities by the number of redos she has each day. Usually less than one per subject but 1-3 a day total. Some days a few more. Some days she is very excited and has NONE! Fractions seem to be one of her hardest areas of math. She will be done with the grade levels we are doing Jan. 1. Ready to jump to the next grade level. Her self-esteem is also rising as she succeeds in her school work and other areas.

Tomorrow we are having the CPS worker "visit" again for her monthly visit to see if J is still breathing. J laughed today about meeting her at the door doing deep breathing to show she was breathing and telling her bye! She is to be here about 9:30. I hope I get the cow milked and breakfast done before then. My light speed morning around here the past week or two don't reflect that happening.

I also need to decide if we are having Pizza for Friday night camping or hamburgers. Then either make Pizza dough and freeze it, flat bread for personal pizza's or hamburger buns for hamburgers. I am leaning toward the flat bread pizzas. It is easy and we can all decorate them to suit ourselves. Sat. night we are having dinner as a group with the other Outbackers. I am hoping it is fun not a drunk fest. :) If it is to wild we will just take our Taco Salad back to our RV and pig out! I made granola today so we will have that to take for breakfast. I have also been ask to make pancake batter. Toss in some eggs and maybe peppers and onions and we will be set!

All have a blessed tomorrow!

Lost~ 4 Joyful Spirits

My children are all setting upstairs trying to find their joyful spirits. They are all most welcome downstairs once they ALL find them. It may be a while. This morning started with bickering upstairs before they all made it down. Then it has been judgments and acting dumb ever since. As I was putting up milk I was asking God if some how I had a bad attitude and it was causing issues. I didn't think I did. About then they all 4 came in bickering. That answered that! I listened a few minutes and decided they could take it upstairs until such time they ALL can develop compassion and a joyful spirit today. I know it exists in all of them. I am just not seeing it today.

J is trying a new tactic. Yes, I think it is funny in a frustrating sort of way. Yesterday one of her chores was to pick up and sweep the school room. She did a quick pick up and try to tell me there was nothing to sweep. I know better! So back she goes and she sweeps, dirt, crayons, pens, pencils.... all into the dust pan and into the trash. I went to change the trash later and discovered the top full of crayons. Her logic, "You ONLY told me to sweep, so that's what I did!" OK that logic will work except that she does know how to do it right. She also didn't like it when I pointed out that T who is 7 knows the correct way so I ASSumed that a 16 yo would. I guess I was wrong. I will explain better next time.

She pouted and stomped upstairs. We got supper stuff out and told her we were eating if she wanted to join us. She wasn't hungry. Before we finished eating she came down in her night clothes. MN picked up on the fact she had a nightshirt on that said "Grumpy". It was lost and wasted on me. So "Grumpy" sat in the living room "reading" while we ate. Then the three littles and grandbaby all played in the living room while "Grumpy" grumped. I did point out if she wanted to be left alone and have "me" time she should pick a different spot. After grandbaby went home I sent the other three out on the porch to play. Grumpy is still "reading". I made her come set in my lap. She snuggled, not a bit of angry body language. Just a need to be snuggled. I think she didn't know what to do to get out of trouble. We talked a bit and just snuggled and chatted and giggled about lots of stuff for about 30 minutes then I sent all of them off to bed.

This morning they were late setting up the milker. I went on to the barn, sorted the cows. Put the bull and the beeves back where they went. Still no milker. I went to the house to find it setting in the cart at the back door. I went in and got the wash water and told them, "Thanks!" J said, "Your welcome." I said that was said sarcastic! She again tried the "I didn't know you wanted it at the barn." This was after she and MN decided that going to the barn and helping MIGHT be a good choice. I didn't buy it. I didn't even want to go there. I did point out even if she DIDN"T know the other three DID! I then sent them to gather the garden. "But, I want to help you." Three others are scrambling to do what mom suggested. I point blank told her that she wasn't welcome in the barn this morning to go gather the garden!

Wow they just came down stairs. One even gave me a hug and said sorry. The girls weren't as willing to go that far. :) I hope this changes the flow of the day.

Today is our catch up/down day. MN usually works ahead today. J has regular school and T and MJ can work a head but they don't have to. I try to come up with something fun and interesting to do. Like the bark rubbings. I may break out the microscope today and see what is to small for the human eye to see.

Thanks for the way to move pictures around on here. That doesn't sound to hard. I think I can mange that. So for I am liking the things I can do. I did catch the spacing issues. I am open to other ideas.

New Day, New Month, New Blog Home

I am hoping it is easier to upload pictures and change the background here. I loved the peacock stuff on my old blog, but it gets old, just like the purple did on homesteader. So I keep looking for the "perfect" blogging home.

Yesterday we had a great day. We really seem to have lots of those. God is so good. J and I did have one little disagreement. She had ask to call her old therapist and I agreed. She started out talking to her and then started speaking untruths. I called her on the first one, that she didn't have a therapist lined up. Made her correct what she said. Then she told another one. I then said tell the therapist you will have to hang up now since you can't speak the truth. So the therapist ask to speak to me. :) We had a nice little chat and life went on. I had told J she had now lost phone privilages for not speaking truth as she was avoiding telling therapist she had to get off since she couldn't speak truth. Yes, I said it loud enough and close enough therapist heard it. Thearpist told me, "way to go!" She was glad to see someone wasn't afraid to address issues. :) She has no clue how many issues we address!

After I got off the phone J and I swung. She was mad at me. Gee imagine that! She didn't think it was fair that she lost phone privilages. She just told 2 lies. I said fine I will only put two goat pills in a pan of brownies. She wasn't OK with that! She said it would ruin the whole batch. So we talked about how lies ruin our lives. How they hurt the teller and those around her. I decided to let her see what dad thought. She can take the loss of phone privilages up with him. She was all for that! I just thought to myself, you think dad is easy :) Funny when dad came home she was busy and didn't mention it. Later she was going to call her old foster mom. I said no. She gave me the confuses look. I reminded her that she had lost phone privilages. She said, "Oh yea, until you talk to dad about it." LOL, "Nope, you will have to take it up with dad. It isn't my problem." Funny thing dad was setting at the table and she never bothered taking it up with him.

What I found interesting was that she was my shadow the rest of the afternoon/evening after our swinging time. I tried to read, couldn't had a child sitting beside me not really talking just there. The other kids wanted her to go ride bikes, swing or otherwise play. She didn't want to, she wanted to hang out with mom. Not a problem, but just different.

Since it was her day to help cook supper she helped me make flat bread. I ground the wheat and allowed her to add the ingredients as it mixed in the mixer. After it had risen she finished added the rest of the ingredients and punched it down. Then we made the balls for flat bread and let it rise. I showed her how to keep the flow going, roll one, flip on, take one off the grill. She kept asking for help. I kept doing other things toward supper and supervising. She was so proud of herself as the stack of flat bread grew! I wanted to put a picture of her cooking the flat bread, but it doesn't seem to want to go where I want it to! I will have to figure out what I am doing wrong.

We had a wonderful supper made with fresh hot flat bread that we each turned into individual pizzas. It was so easy and quick but yummy. We used canned spaghetti sauce for the sauce added what ever floated your boat. J even put some pinto beans on hers. Most of them microwaved to melt the cheese. I put a lid on mine and cooked it on the grill.

It is always exciting to think of what a new day will bring. What blessings and challenges we will face. I always wonder after we have had a challenge the day before how that child will be the next day. Usually, when we have talked it out and life has returned to normal I see growth in that child. Growth is such a painful process at times. I see the pain as my children grow. I feel the pain as I try to grow in God and walk His walk not mine.

Slow morning around here. I have now gotten cows done, breakfast behind me and still haven't posted. In part I am slow posting because the Internet is up and down and down and up. In part because I didn't get up early like I should have life has way to many distractions.

T was just asking for help with school. I went to help only to quickly discover that she hadn't even read the lesson! Wow! She read it and got it! Amazing! When mom gets tough about reading the lessons I have two that have a lot fewer redo's. Why can't they get it figured out if they study, and READ the lesson they will pass the quizzes much more often?

OK time to get this posted so I can go on to something more productive. I have 3 busy on school, one is "talking to God". Right! Yea, I have my doubts. Laying on the couch petting the dog and not being motivated sounds closer to the truth. I will just keep my mouth shut for now and see if school gets started or not.